drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Are we still banned from the library?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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