The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
