At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
