I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
