i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
