Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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