If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
