I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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