oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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