If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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