Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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