lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
