If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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