I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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