Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
