I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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