He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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