guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
