I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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