Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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