so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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