I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
