do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
