She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
