It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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