So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
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i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
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I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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