moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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