i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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