you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
