i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
