Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
