So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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