I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?