I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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