last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store