I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can