when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
