I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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