yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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