So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
