i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
