Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
