I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
