I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
