Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
