I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
