you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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