Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
