Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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