When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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