If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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