he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
