I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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