I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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