and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
