Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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