woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
