I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
