Tell her she can't have a vagina
My cat gives me a boner
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
