i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
