i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
